Saturday, September 8, 2007
"Losing my humanity..I want to rip my chest open.."
I know its pretty selfish to whine and complain about how depressed I am, how life sucks, boohoo when there are so many people who are out there suffering from untold horrors that life has thrust upon them, poverty, disability, inability to realise how big an asshole they are. But still, I'm human and its only natural to indulge and wallow in self-pity and degradation even though I've food and clothing. Just came back from 3.5 hours of tuition and I'm not sure if I actually learned anything there. Was going through the Maths Prelim papers (HCI >.>) and all it did was make me feel stupid. In fact, this past few weeks of revision have done nothing but made me feel stupid. I already feel stupid enough wasting my life away studying for stupid subjects that I probably will not use in the future. Its even worse when you realise you're so stupid you can't understand the stupid subjects that you're stupidly studying for no reason. Comprende? Anyhow, I've had some revelations (least I hope they are revelations >.<) about death. First one was a few years ago, I remember I was holding a marble , then I suddenly had a flash-uh..experience, like some sort of multi-sensory experience. I kind of imagined myself choking on the marble. I could feel its cold smooth surface in my throat, the lack of breath, the involuntary contraction of the throat muscles as the body attempted to expel the foreign object and the losing of consciousness. Very interesting experience..well, I was very afraid then. I remember curling up into a ball beneath my blanket and shivering, feeling very cold even though it was a perfectly sunny day. Hmmm, seems I had another one just now as I was making my way home from tuition. While crossing the road, I toyed with the idea of stepping out as the cars rushed past. Would I die instantly? Or suffer the inhumane torture of being kept alive as a vegetable because Singapore legislation banned euthanasia? Despite the compulsive urge to stick my foot out onto the road, I decided against it..judging by the speed of the cars the latter was more possible..haiz.. Not surprisingly this suicidal thought was brought about by the sheer feeling of intellectual inaptitude after attempting those Maths questions. Well..now I've got a greater insight as to how those academic-stress related suicides come about :D
This morning I also spotted a dead tree that reminded me how easily we kick the bucket. It is somehow inspiring when trees die. Not those pitiful little shrubs but the tall ones. Come to think of it, it is extremely rare to spot a dead tree in this evergreen country of ours. They are usually removed quickly and efficiently, much like an assassination. To spot a full-grown tree wither and die when they are usually resilient in the face of storms, drought and whatnot somehow garners some respect, for life and nature and death. Here's a picture..Feeling whimsical of late, I have also decided on the mode as to how my corpse would be disposed of. I would first donate my internal organs, except for my eyeballs (dunno why) to those in need of them. Then I will request for my butt-naked corpse to be strapped onto a rocket/ giant firecracker and launched let's say over 1.5km into the sky before I blow up into a beautiful shower of golden sparks and other glittery stuff (maybe some silver showers :D). Of course before that, all the funeral guests would have to get behind a plexi-glass shield in case bits of corpse debris hit and injure them. Then the pastor would invite them to all have a good laugh and enjoy the spectacle before presenting a toast to me :) Speaking of which, the funeral would also have an in-house bartender! Ahh...what a fantastic way to go..
This morning I also spotted a dead tree that reminded me how easily we kick the bucket. It is somehow inspiring when trees die. Not those pitiful little shrubs but the tall ones. Come to think of it, it is extremely rare to spot a dead tree in this evergreen country of ours. They are usually removed quickly and efficiently, much like an assassination. To spot a full-grown tree wither and die when they are usually resilient in the face of storms, drought and whatnot somehow garners some respect, for life and nature and death. Here's a picture..